It's Kinda Like The Three Stooges on Acid, with Fully-Loaded AK-47s -- and All the Doors Are Locked!!

Aw, chill, Lambert. Everything's gonna be fine. Just like my title says. Wait...no, honest! They'll unlock the doors any minute now...any minute...any...

About, ah, this...

Barack Obama must be elected President of the United States. It's his worldview, his clarity of judgment, and his just plain right-mindedness that resonate with me. Figuring that my efforts were best spent raising money for the campaign, I have thrown myself into a new world—one in which fluffy chatter and frivolous praise are replaced by a get-to-the-point directness and disciple-like devotion.

"[H]is worldview..." Military intervention forever! Bombs unto eternity! America Is God, Her Will Be Done! No cheap shots now. It's a program.

"[H]is clarity of judgment..." Can't disown Wright! No, he can't! Oh, YES, HE CAN! So what if he has to lie about every issue of immense significance. It's a program!

"[H]is just plain right-mindedness..." Oh, for Christ's sake.

She has more, much more!

[W]hen I attended my second "Obama Live" fund-raiser last week at New York City’s Grand Hyatt, another public spectacle came to mind with which I am much more familiar: the designer fashion show.

Priceless. Way to get rid of that "fluffy chatter"!

Actually, though, not exactly priceless:

I have to confess I felt a certain shame that the dress I wore—a bright-red Prada number from next season that my former boss, Carol, insisted I buy the day before—cost more than the $1,000 ticket to the event itself. After surveying the large crowd, however, I quickly realized that this dress was a big standout in a sea of black, brown, and grey. How this paid off I’ll share in a moment.

From next season. You sly operator, you. But how much more than the $1,000 ticket? Hmm? Where, oh where, did that "get-to-the-point directness" go?

And you know, you just know, how the dress "paid off":

Obama was moving quickly and just passed me by. Then, in a moment of divine intervention [I do not believe, no, I do not, that she is speaking figuratively], he saw me, clad in my red stop-sign of a dress, back-tracked ever so slightly in his procession, grabbed my hand, and gave that brilliant smile of his. I literally said out loud to the woman next to me who witnessed my good fate, "I’ll never wash this hand again."

Well.

This is campaigning -- just as it will be governing -- of, by and for the ruling class.

Here I had thought the Bush Brawlin' Bozos had already made the United States the laughingstock of the world -- when you're not trying to retrieve your bloody limbs or your destroyed life from under the wreckage, you understand. But liberals of a certain kind constantly reassure us that they can do everything better than the Republicans. And whaddya know, they were telling the truth!

There's nothing at all to worry about. Just move on to the next alternative universe. If you're not clued in to doing that, drop me a note. Easy as pie. Pie! Mmmm.

In the meantime, as I often note nowadays, this campaign is a goddamn laff riot. As I said, laugh at the nightmare, and the nightmare laughs back!

Then it kills you.