I Will Be Punished for Laughing So Hard

Last evening, I said I wouldn't eat until next spring.

Make that spring of 2010.

Is it wrong of me, when I'm in between bouts of nausea, to find all this hysterically funny?

Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama's big speech on Thursday night will be delivered from an elaborate columned stage resembling a miniature Greek temple.

The stage, similar to structures used for rock concerts, has been set up at the 50-yard-line, the midpoint of Invesco Field, the stadium where the Denver Broncos' National Football League team plays.

Some 80,000 supporters will see Obama appear from between plywood columns painted off-white, reminiscent of Washington's Capitol building or even the White House, to accept the party's nomination for president.

He will stride out to a raised platform to a podium that can be raised from beneath the floor.

...

Once Obama speaks, confetti will rain down on him and fireworks will be fired off from locations around the stadium wall.

Confetti!

Fireworks!

Ohhhhh, Barack, you're soooo dreeeeeeemy!!!!

For the sole superpower on earth, we have to be the stupidest goddamned country that has ever existed. And one of the most vicious. Now that is a fucking terrifying combination.