Just Out of Reach ...

Many, many thanks to the seven additional people who made donations in response to yesterday's post. I'm deeply grateful to all those who help to keep me going. As I've often said, without these blessed donors, I'd have been out of business, and out of, well, everything, long before now.

I'm still $240 short of what is needed for the rent. It's very important (for reasons explained in the previous post) that I pay the rent by Wednesday, if at all possible. After that, I may have to enter into difficult negotiations with the owners. I truly don't want to have to do that. So if you have a little extra money available and would like to help obtain a badly needed reprieve for a writer who would still like to do some writing, I would be thrilled, relieved, and thankful.

I thought I'd better publish this on Monday evening, rather than waiting until Tuesday, because the anxiety and lack of sleep from which I've been suffering hit me very hard today. I've barely been able to get out of bed at all. And I'm not sure when I'll be able to drag my ass out of bed tomorrow morning. So while I'm up, I thought I should take care of this since, as the saying goes, time is of the essence.

I'm hoping that things have been a bit slow on all fronts because of the holiday weekend. Perhaps some more readers will drop by on Tuesday as the world returns to its regular schedule. That's my hope, at least. And then I might be able to pay the rent and the internet bill ... (And heck, even though it's been years since I've been out to have a meal at a restaurant, isn't $240 about what people -- some people, anyway -- routinely spend these days for a nice dinner? Hell, these days, that might be what people spend for a nice lunch. And it would save me from eviction.)

All my thanks once again, for all your kindnesses and generosity.

Can't Sleep, Can't Eat, and Generally Falling Apart

My deep thanks to the six people who made donations in response to my last post. Those six donations total $450. That's a little less than half of the rent payment -- and then there are a few other critical bills, such as internet service and the phone. Oh, and food.

Although I'm not that concerned any longer about money for food. I don't know why I seem to be eating next to nothing, even though I still have a little food left in the house. Well, that's probably the explanation right there: I don't want to eat the last of the food, because that would be it -- the last of the food. Don't want to face that. So I don't eat. Yesterday, I ate a bunch of crackers. Was fine, didn't want to eat anything more. Don't feel much like eating anything now.

But I do have to pay the rent. As I've explained before, now that the owners have started the countdown to evicting all the tenants in preparation for building demolition, I know they would be only too delighted to evict me for cause so as to avoid having to pay me the $20,000 that the local regs require them to pay. Rather than paying me the $20,000 directly, the owners opted to set up an escrow account. That means they only have to dole out the money as I actually incur the moving expenses -- and they don't have to pay whatever is left over until I've moved out completely. Nice for them, rotten for me. In any case, if they can evict me for cause, all that goes away; they don't have to pay me a cent.

The rent is due by the end of Wednesday. After that, it's late. I should be okay if I can pay it by Friday. After that, bye-bye, me. So massive anxiety is wearing me down. I toss and turn all night. It's impossible for me to get any restful sleep at this point. I suppose that might be a blessing: massive anxiety for someone with a bad, weakening heart -- that might be the exit plan I need.

Sometimes, I think about all the writing I've done -- and the quality of the best of that writing -- and I wonder how it's come to this. Actually, I don't wonder all that much; I know how it happened. I could have courted acclaim and popularity; I certainly had the opportunity when I was regularly linked by a number of major bloggers. But I chose to tell the truth as I saw it, which proved not to be all that popular. (Those dynamics became especially stark during the Obama Ascendance, when I regularly wrote essays like this one.) I wouldn't even mind that all that much (although I could do without the looming possibility of eviction and slow starvation). What truly sticks in the craw is that so many utterly worthless, idiotic, repulsive jerks are so staggeringly successful. That just seems mean. It's hardly an original observation to note that, if God existed, He would be one nasty, sadistic motherfucker.

Well, thoughts for another time, perhaps. The task for this week is to pay the damn rent and a few other bills. Any assistance you might care to offer would be accepted most gratefully.

If you're interested, the listing of Major Essays on the right side of the blog contains some items you might find worthwhile. In fact, two posts I've made notes for concern older posts of mine and how they connect with stories currently in the news. I admit that I am pleased when a piece I wrote ten years ago proves to have been very accurate in its observations and predictions. A nice feeling. If I can manage to pull myself together a bit, I'll try to get those posts done and published. Or some other ones, maybe a light post or two. God knows we could use a good laugh around here.

Okay, enough blithering. I guess I'll knock myself unconscious and get some sleep.