Can't Sleep, Can't Eat, and Generally Falling Apart

My deep thanks to the six people who made donations in response to my last post. Those six donations total $450. That's a little less than half of the rent payment -- and then there are a few other critical bills, such as internet service and the phone. Oh, and food.

Although I'm not that concerned any longer about money for food. I don't know why I seem to be eating next to nothing, even though I still have a little food left in the house. Well, that's probably the explanation right there: I don't want to eat the last of the food, because that would be it -- the last of the food. Don't want to face that. So I don't eat. Yesterday, I ate a bunch of crackers. Was fine, didn't want to eat anything more. Don't feel much like eating anything now.

But I do have to pay the rent. As I've explained before, now that the owners have started the countdown to evicting all the tenants in preparation for building demolition, I know they would be only too delighted to evict me for cause so as to avoid having to pay me the $20,000 that the local regs require them to pay. Rather than paying me the $20,000 directly, the owners opted to set up an escrow account. That means they only have to dole out the money as I actually incur the moving expenses -- and they don't have to pay whatever is left over until I've moved out completely. Nice for them, rotten for me. In any case, if they can evict me for cause, all that goes away; they don't have to pay me a cent.

The rent is due by the end of Wednesday. After that, it's late. I should be okay if I can pay it by Friday. After that, bye-bye, me. So massive anxiety is wearing me down. I toss and turn all night. It's impossible for me to get any restful sleep at this point. I suppose that might be a blessing: massive anxiety for someone with a bad, weakening heart -- that might be the exit plan I need.

Sometimes, I think about all the writing I've done -- and the quality of the best of that writing -- and I wonder how it's come to this. Actually, I don't wonder all that much; I know how it happened. I could have courted acclaim and popularity; I certainly had the opportunity when I was regularly linked by a number of major bloggers. But I chose to tell the truth as I saw it, which proved not to be all that popular. (Those dynamics became especially stark during the Obama Ascendance, when I regularly wrote essays like this one.) I wouldn't even mind that all that much (although I could do without the looming possibility of eviction and slow starvation). What truly sticks in the craw is that so many utterly worthless, idiotic, repulsive jerks are so staggeringly successful. That just seems mean. It's hardly an original observation to note that, if God existed, He would be one nasty, sadistic motherfucker.

Well, thoughts for another time, perhaps. The task for this week is to pay the damn rent and a few other bills. Any assistance you might care to offer would be accepted most gratefully.

If you're interested, the listing of Major Essays on the right side of the blog contains some items you might find worthwhile. In fact, two posts I've made notes for concern older posts of mine and how they connect with stories currently in the news. I admit that I am pleased when a piece I wrote ten years ago proves to have been very accurate in its observations and predictions. A nice feeling. If I can manage to pull myself together a bit, I'll try to get those posts done and published. Or some other ones, maybe a light post or two. God knows we could use a good laugh around here.

Okay, enough blithering. I guess I'll knock myself unconscious and get some sleep.