January 19, 2013

Smugwyn Smallehigh: It's ART, assholes!

I have spent my entire life fighting the scourge of giant marshmallows. I especially hate it when mean people stuff giant marshmallows down the throats of their prisoners. Sometimes the prisoners explode and die! This is bad. I HATE it.

To its great credit, the American government has dedicated itself to eradicating the hideousness of giant marshmallows. It has been ruthless in its pursuit of those who produce, distribute and USE them. (Mainly to stuff them DOWN PEOPLE'S THROATS.) I wanted to make a modern, RIGOROUS film about the government's anti-marshmallow mission, and about how they finally destroyed the major trafficker, Mr. Marshmallow himself. (You don't know what "rigorous" means in that sentence, do you? That's because you're not an ARTIST. You're a horrible person. And stupid.) You can't believe how hard it was to get that movie made! You probably think it's easy to make a film about how noble and fabulous the American government is, and how brave and dedicated the Americans were who worked on this IMPORTANT and superduper SECRET mission. And you probably think the government WANTED to help us make a movie about how fabulous it is. You're a horrible, stupid person. Who cares what you think? But because of the incredible wonderfulness of the people who work for me, and with a little bit of luck, we finally made the film. That is how unbelievably fabulous WE are.

And then some fantastically stupid people complained about it.

"Smugwyn," some idiots screeched, "if you really hate giant marshmallows and stuffing them down people's throats, why do you have scenes showing wonderful Americans STUFFING GIANT MARSHMALLOWS DOWN PEOPLE'S THROATS?"

These people are idiots. I'd like to introduce them to some giant marshmallows. Haha. I'm kidding. I am complex, because I am an ARTIST. And better than you. Also: FIRST AMENDMENT. Because I'm an artist, and because FIRST AMENDMENT, I can make any movie I goddamned want, especially a movie about how great the American government is and how fantastic all these trained killers SUPERPATRIOTS are, and you can't say ANYTHING about why you think it's a bad movie. That's what the first amendment MEANS. This is totally OBVIOUS. My critics don't understand it because they're dumb.

ALSO. Those of us who are so deliciously special, those of us who are better than you because we are ARTISTS, know that to SHOW something isn't to say that it is GOOD. I HATE GIANT MARSHMALLOWS. How many fucking times do I have to say it? My critics aren't just horrible and stupid. They're DEAF. "Oh, but Smugwyn," these DEAF, STUPID, HORRIBLE people say, "you show giant marshmallow throat-stuffing in a totally misleading way. And you don't include any serious challenge to what comes across as a pro-giant-marshmallow-throat-stuffing point of view."

This is so superdumb and horrible that it makes me throw up. When I throw up, even THAT is fabulous. When you criticize artists IN ANY WAY AT ALL, you are CHILLING our right to free expression. You're making it impossible for artists -- and for ME -- to be superspecial people who are BETTER THAN YOU. You are hating on the first amendment and on America. You're a deaf, horrible, stupid FASCIST.

What I show in the film happened. Maybe it didn't happen exactly the way I show it. But maybe it did. Experts disagree! Ha! Home free! When you criticize an artist, someone like ME (God, I love me SO MUCH. Who can blame me? My fabulousness is totally unbelievable.), you're saying, "Don't show DARK DEEDS, Smugwyn! Don't challenge us with HARSH REALITIES!!"

I think we should never forget how the evil forces of giant marshmallowdom killed thousands of Americans, or how brave and noble and great American military and intelligence professionals are in their determined efforts to stop the giant-marshmallow-throat-stuffers. These are superspecial, fabulous people. Not quite as superspecial and fabulous as ARTISTS, but close. Certainly much better than DEAF, HORRIBLE, STUPID FASCISTS.

And we must never, ever forget that the giant marshmallowists are a GRAVE THREAT to America's safety and security.

These are the dark deeds and harsh realities I show in my great film. If you don't understand that, SHUT UP. When I say SHUT UP, it means I am for FREEDOM and the FIRST AMENDMENT and AMERICA. Because I am an ARTIST. When you say there's something wrong with my film, or it's misleading, or that there is even the teensiest way in which it is not a GREAT WORK OF ART, it means you hate freedom and the first amendment and America and kittens and puppies and sunshine, and probably even my hair. (Talk about fabulous!) I bet you have a lot of literature about giant marshmallows, doncha? Oh, yeah, I've got my eye on you. I may have to mention you to those wonderful, brave, dedicated military and intelligence people who are MY FRIENDS. Because they know how special I am. It's only artists and the great Hollywood community who can show the world how fantastic America is, and how fantastic its defenders are, these people who gave all of themselves in both victory and defeat, in life and in death.

Sniff. I made myself cry right there. That's how special and fabulous I am.

So shut up, assholes! But since I'm a great artist, and FIRST AMENDMENT, I'll even defend your right to be an asshole. But you don't want to carry it too far ... know what I mean? You do. Good. Never forget: there are still giant marshmallows out there! If you criticize my GREAT WORK OF ART, you are PRO-giant marshmallow! Those of us who are special and fabulous will remember that.

You better remember it, too. And how horrible and stupid you are.


Here's the original, which is shockingly similar to the above. I only engaged in this little exercise because I found its tone of self-satisfied smugness so sickening and overwhelming, especially when combined with its intellectual vacuity and massive dishonesty. If you want to read about a genuine antiwar film, one which remains powerful, wonderfully original, and terribly funny even 50 years on, I point you to this essay, and the discussion of Paddy Chayefsky's The Americanization of Emily.