Hey, America!! SERIOUSLY???

Okay, buckle up, everybody. We're gonna have a fun ride! Yes, we are. We're going to explore a little further the delusions and self-delusions that plague political analysis, including the analysis offered by supersavvy progressive-types. ("Supersavvy" is a term that is, like, trademarked by Chris Floyd. Floyd is actually savvy, I mean totally savvy, which is completely different. Floyd is the genuine article when it comes to seeing through the bullshit, unlike the examples that follow.)

We have to talk some more about Petraeus. Now don't get all furrow-browed and stuff. Don't get all serious, dudes and dudettes. I said fun, and I meant FUN.

I already said a bunch about Petraeus, including that "It's never the sex." As I explained in that post, this "extramarital affair" crap is the cover offered to disguise what is actually going on. I explained why the affair ploy is so eternally popular: basically, because our culture believes that whenever anything bad happens, especially when anything bad happens to men, it's all women's fault That's because women are evil. Or as I said in "Kill That Woman!":

The fault and the responsibility must always be woman's. In any confrontation between a man and a woman in our culture, there is only one party to be punished: the woman. ...

Kill that woman. That is the motive, and that is the goal. To the extent women are successful, to the extent they threaten men's monopoly on power and control, they must be demeaned, diminished, treated with unending cruelty, and mocked. When all else fails, they must be eliminated. Kill that woman.

In my first post about the Petraeus resignation, I also offered a few ideas about what might be going on behind the scenes, focusing on a couple of clues that have appeared in news stories.

And I might have skipped this second installment altogether, except that I read the following earlier today:

Petraeus’s resignation along with a public acknowledgement of an affair, reportedly with an admiring female biographer, raised eyebrows in Washington for reasons beyond the sudden and humiliating fall of the high-flying former four-star general. Normally, in such situations, a cover story is used to spare someone of Petraeus’s stature embarrassment.

Especially in the days after a president’s reelection, it would not be uncommon for a senior official to announce new career plans or a desire to spend more time with the family. Instead, Petraeus’s resignation was accompanied by an admission of the affair.

You'll find these exquisitely perceptive observations here.

Yoohoo! Mr. Parry! Reality's calling!! You wanna know what reality says? It says:

THE AFFAIR IS THE COVER STORY.

See? Cover story = affair. Affair same thing as cover story. THE AFFAIR IS THE COVER STORY.

Is this thing on?

Since we're having fun, I don't recommend reading the rest of Parry's column. It'll make you want to throw things. It's all about how the "young President" had no choice about following Bush's policies. He couldn't help it! I suppose Obama also couldn't help expanding on Bush's policies and making them significantly worse, just like he couldn't help totally loving the Kill List, publicizing the Kill List to the whole frigging world, and making sure that the Kill List will continue into the indefinite future.

Obama only pawn in game of life.

No, I am not fucking kidding. That is exactly what Parry says:

Besides Bush, the chief beneficiaries of the “successful surge” myth were Gen. Petraeus and Bush’s last Defense Secretary Robert Gates. Both remained as part of the high command after Barack Obama took office in 2009, as the young President didn’t want an abrupt break with Bush’s war policies in Iraq and Afghanistan.

But the “continuity” trapped Obama when he tried to steer the wars toward conclusions.

Obama was trapped! All the killing and slaughtering and other keen stuff is TOTALLY NOT HIS FAULT.

But, Parry tells us, there is good news! Break out the champagne! Because:

Finally, as Obama heads into a second term, he appears to be clearing the decks so he can move ahead more aggressively with his own foreign policy. Robert Gates departed in mid-2011; David Petraeus has now resigned in ignominy; and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who often sided with Gates and Petraeus in taking neocon-style policy positions, is expected to step down soon.

Belatedly, Obama seems to have learned a key lesson of modern Washington: surrounding yourself with ideological and political rivals may sound good but it is usually an invitation to have your policies sabotaged.

So in his second term, Obama "will move ahead more aggressively with his own foreign policy." Starting in the near future, it will all be Obama's responsibility.

Except, you know, it won't. When Obama continues with the killing and slaughtering -- in Syria, and/or in Mali, and/or in Iran, and/or in other countries -- it will still be because HE COULDN'T HELP IT. When Obama continues with the Kill List -- and he will -- and when he expands the reach of the Kill List -- and he will -- it will all be because HE COULDN'T HELP IT.

All of the death, the suffering and the destruction will be because evil, rotten neocons, evil, rotten somebody elses, other factors that are like TOTALLY OUTSIDE OBAMA'S CONTROL. Or, you know, maybe because Obama has a hangnail that really, really hurts. Have you ever had a really bad hangnail? That hurts, man. So it'll be totally understandable when it makes Obama kill a whole bunch of people.

See, I know this, because I know how this argument works. You do, too. So does Parry. Oh, yeah, Parry definitely knows all about it.

So let's go back to this crapola with Petraeus and his affair -- you know, THE AFFAIR THAT CHANGED THE WORLD. Parry isn't the only supersavvy guy who thinks the affair is the actual reason Petraeus resigned. See this, and this.

Now, I don't want to cause trouble. No, I don't. I am like the original go along to get along guy. I AM. Anyone who says different is TOTALLY LYING. I never cause trouble. Never ever ever.

I totally DO NOT want to say this. If I'm lying, just shoot me.

Oops. Have to insert a really important note here. About that phrase -- "just shoot me" -- you do not EVER want to say something like that when you're talking to Obama. Or to anyone who works with Obama. I mean, like, to ANYBODY who works in this administration. BECAUSE THEY MIGHT DO IT.

The Kill List. They have a Kill List. For real. They update it at least every week. Maybe more, for all we know. So, you know, you definitely don't want to like ask them to put you on it. Not unless you want to get killed.

"Just shoot me" was TOTALLY A JOKE. Okay? Okay.

All right. I DO NOT want to say this, but do you notice anything about the guys I mentioned who believe the affair is the actual reason Petraeus resigned? Oh, you did notice. Yeah, they're all guys. Not only that, they're all privileged, white guys. In at least two cases, they're privileged, white guys who lead very, very comfortable lives of considerable affluence.

Guys like that are especially susceptible to the "guy whose life is completely destroyed because of a woman" ploy, otherwise known as the cheap slut scenario (as I mentioned in the first post about this, but, like, nobody was paying attention). Now, I'm sure that if you asked them about it directly, they'd be all like, "Oh, for God's sake, NO, I don't believe that stupid crap." But they absorb it from the culture, because the culture bombards us with this stupid, vicious lie ALL THE TIME. It's in the air we breathe. Most people absorb it, and they don't even notice. So it's there, maybe buried out of sight, but it's still there somewhere -- and it comes out in situations like this.

So, I really didn't want to say any of that, but I, too, am pawn in game of life. I COULDN'T HELP IT. C'mon, if Obama can use it, so can I.

There's another part of this I have to mention. Seriously, I HAVE to. These things are completely out of my control.

A whole huge bunch of people treat this whole blackmail thing like it's a real problem. You know, the whole thing about "he works for the C.I.A., and he's totes IMPORTANT, and an AFFAIR could be used by horrible people to make him do stuff he doesn't really want to do." You notice how people being FORCED to do things they don't really want to do is a constant theme in this? You noticed, good.

Let's talk about that for a sec. Is it actually a problem if anybody knows that Petraeus had an affair? There are a lot of assumptions built into that notion. I suppose we might think that maybe Petraeus doesn't want his wife to know. But heck, maybe Petraeus has had five or six affairs before. Maybe his wife knows all about them. Maybe she doesn't care, or they have some sort of agreement about stuff like that. Maybe his wife is having an affair, or maybe she's had five or six, too. Maybe neither of them cares. The thing is WE DON'T KNOW. Maybe it's not a problem at all.

Or maybe we think that Petraeus would be like COMPLETELY HUMILIATED if his buddies, like Obama and all those other guys, found out he was having an affair. You know, it would cause him problems at work. Seriously? SERIOUSLY???

Petraeus was a general. Petraeus was head of the C.I.A. Petraeus is a professional killer. I don't say that like it's a bad thing -- I mean, I think it's a bad thing, but I'm just weird that way -- I just say it because it's a fact. He kills people, or at least orders a whole lot of people to be killed, and guess what: THEY'RE KILLED. So he's a professional killer. Look, it's a living. A guy's gotta make a living.

And Obama and all those other folks: PROFESSIONAL KILLERS. Oh, Arthur, how can you say stuff like that? That is like TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS. You are OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND, SILBER. That's why nobody pays attention to you.

You are harsh, dude. First of all, I CAN'T HELP IT. I know you don't want to have one set of rules for Obama, and another set of rules for a poor schmuck like me. So, okay, there's that.

Second, KILL LIST. They have a KILL LIST. They USE IT. THEY HAVE PEOPLE KILLED. All the time. Every week. Every day. And they talk about the Kill List ALL THE TIME. They want everybody to know they have a Kill List, and that they USE IT. Like, THEY HAVE PEOPLE KILLED. ALL THE TIME.

So, professional killers. Just a fact, man. I'm certain you don't want to treat me like some deranged nutjob just because I'm stating A FACT. This is AMERICA, MAN!!!!

So, okay. Are we all on the same page here? And we're still having FUN, right? This is FUN. Let's see where we are. We're dealing with a bunch of professional killers, who have completely innocent people killed every single goddamned day -- and you're telling me, and you have your savvy, superserious face on, you're telling me that they're going to be totally upset, so upset that, like, they can't even eat, because Petraeus is having an affair?

ROTFLMAO

This is comedy gold. I mean it. This is the greatest material EVER.

And I still have one more thing to say. Can't help it. Aw, you understand now. God, I love you. Seriously, dude. I mentioned in my first post about this that Americans are completely insane when it comes to anything connected to sex. They think it's disgusting and terrible and horrible AND THEY CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF IT.

So I don't think the problem is that Petraeus had an affair. I think the problem is that Petraeus only had ONE affair. Well, only one that we know about. But what if we find out that Petraeus had another affair, or even ten affairs? What if he's like a SEX ADDICT??

OH, MY GOD, you say. His life would be totally DESTROYED.

See, you still don't get it. NO. You want to know what would happen? THIS is what would happen:

1. HUGE book deal. Can't you see it? The General and His Women. "Finally, the book that tells the TRUE INSIDE STORY of how a highly decorated, widely-respected general slept his way around the world, how he conquered AMERICA'S ENEMIES AND WOMEN! The WHOLE TRUTH about the GREATEST MAN IN THE WHOLE HISTORY OF THE ENTIRE WORLD!!" And think of all the confessional TV interviews. Oh. My. God. HUGE.

2. HUGE MOVIE. You can write the ads yourself. Have fun! This is FUN!

3. A BROADWAY MUSICAL. Starring, of course, Hugh Jackman. Directed by Mel Brooks. Yeah, baby! HUGE. Just think of the big production numbers. The first act curtain: "Drones of Love!"

4. ANOTHER MOVIE -- OF THE MUSICAL!

That's just off the top of my head. I probably missed a few things.

And all that would happen BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA.

The greatest fucking country EVER.

You get it now? Good.

I don't plan to write any more about this. For now. If I do, it will be BECAUSE I COULDN'T HELP IT.

God, you are so understanding. I love you, baby. I am like totally serious. I love you.