October 14, 2009

But Seriously...

Last week, I asked for some donations. Again. For the twenty millionth time. I know it's far, far beyond annoying. I know some people find it disgusting and reprehensible of me. (They tell me often enough in emails, when I mistakenly read a sentence or two of their burblings.) As I've said too often in the past, I've dropped out of "the system" pretty much entirely. See here for the general reasons why. I do not support our current system, certainly not in any of the ways our rulers care about the most. As a result, and because of my health problems, my only source of "income" is what I receive in donations.

Last week's donation post was couched in semihumorous tones. That generally doesn't generate much by way of response, and it didn't this time. 14 donations, amounting to several hundred dollars. I'm always grateful for any donations in any amount, so I'm very thankful for those 14 donations. I'm doubly grateful because I know that times are very tough for a lot of people.

I spent some of that money on food, which I very much needed. Tomorrow, I'm having a lot of groceries delivered; that'll carry me for the next couple of weeks. When I pay for them, I'll be perilously close to broke once again. I have paid a couple of bills that I'd postponed for quite a while, but I still haven't paid a $100 electric bill, or a $40 phone bill. And I can't pay them right now. They need to be paid by the end of the month, at least if I want to continue writing (and living in my primitive manner).

None of this is, in fact, remotely humorous. Do I really need to mention again the shit and blood anal leakage? Consider it mentioned. It still goes on today, as it has for over a year. As I also mentioned last week, I'm now without the heart medications I'd been taking since I was hospitalized at the end of February. The refills ran out. Even if I manage to get to a free clinic, and even if they give me some prescriptions, I can't get them filled. No money, so there's no point in making the trip. At this juncture, probably the simplest thing will be to wait until I have to make another 911 call. Get taken to an ER, and they'll do whatever they do. I consider it inevitable that I'll have to call 911 sooner or later, probably sooner given the fact that my health problems (bad heart, huge and increasing difficulties moving and breathing, etc., etc.) aren't, you know, being treated.

I'm working on a bunch of essays, not one of which is simple. And I'm trying to do some internet research. Since I have a shitty computer and a shitty dialup connection, it takes forfuckingever. This afternoon, again, I practically smashed my computer and got ready to say fuck it to all of this forever. If I managed to find good new homes for my cats, I'd probably do it. But I'm not ready to say goodbye to the cats, not yet. When I am, I'll be ready to die.

See, that's the thing. I live with these kinds of thoughts a lot of the time, every single damned day. It's a miracle to me that I've survived this long. And it's a miracle to me that readers continue to send donations, especially given how little writing I've done over the last three or four months.

But I still love my cats and want them to stay here. And I still want to do some more writing. If I felt substantially better physically, I'd love to do a lot of writing. That seems impossible now, so I do what I can. It's not much, I grant you.

Anyway. Bills to pay, rent will be due again all too soon. And I'll need money for prescriptions, if I ever manage to get new ones. (Ideally, I'd go to a doctor and get a battery of tests. But that would undoubtedly cost at least $1,000, probably closer to $2,000. So that's never going to happen, unless I'm hospitalized again during some emergency.)

Sorry for the whining and the self-pity. But, yes, I'm in a truly shitty frame of mind right now. (A day ago, I put up an Amazon Wish List for the first time in a long time. There were a few books and one opera DVD I wanted, since I seemed to be ill-disposed toward dying at the moment. I've taken it down again, now that I've returned to bare survival mode.) Okay then. I'm tremendously grateful for your consideration, and I'm deeply thankful to everyone who donates, even if only $5. I know much better than most how much $5 can buy when you live on next to nothing.

Now I'm going to take a nap with the cats. I hope to be back tomorrow with some new posts. But I think I'll do a few comparatively easy ones first, before tackling the more complicated pieces. My brain just won't work to my satisfaction for the complex and demanding articles when I'm feeling this way.

Thanks again.