August 17, 2009

Bad and Scary Times

From the title, you might have thought this was going to be a post about some aspect of our ongoing, thoroughly nauseating political spectacle. Nope! I mean it as a description of what the last couple of months have been like for me personally. I'm amazed that I'm still here at all. Over the last month in particular and on more than a few occasions, I expected my collapsing health to lead fairly quickly to my demise. At "best" (I use the word advisedly), I thought I would be left in some sort of mostly useless, semi-vegetative state.

It would appear that I'm a stubborn son of a bitch. Other than noting the fact that very few of us proceed into the void willingly and without resistance, I can offer no explanation. Bravery certainly has nothing to do with it. I say that because I'm certain of only one fact regarding the continuation of my existence at this point: it will get worse. Given that, stupidity and cowardice would appear to me to be more significant factors. And stubbornness, I suppose. All right, let's go with stubborn.

Then, too, there is my desire to write a bit more, especially about certain subjects. In the brief intervals when I've ventured onto the internet, I've seen a number of stories and posts elsewhere about which I've made a few notes. And I've written many essays in my head. I wish we already had the benefit of some kind of mind meld machine that would take my thoughts and instantaneously put them in written form. That would give me something to publish and save me a lot of work. Ah, well. Inexplicably, writing still requires writing. It's damnably burdensome in my current circumstances.

Quite unaccountably to me, a number of people have made donations in response to my last entry. Despite my own bleak prognosis with regard to my prospects, I am enormously grateful for your kindness. The donations have meant that I still have a roof over my head, and that I've been able to eat decent food (as have the cats, bless their consoling presence). I'm not going to recite the specifics of what has transpired since my last entry here. It's been unrelievedly awful, and sometimes quite terrifying. Let's leave it at that. I offer my sincere apologies for my silence over these last weeks, especially given the generosity of some of you. If I had been able to post anything about what was going on, I would have. But I wasn't, so I didn't. I am sorry about that.

I'm going to try to do some, ah, writing this week. We'll see how it goes. I can't promise anything at this point. I hope to complete a few pieces in the next week or two, but a hope is all I have. I'm not even certain yet where it might be best to begin; I now have notes about a lot of topics and issues. (Since my health began seriously affecting my ability to write a couple of years ago, I've accumulated several hundred separate entries concerning planned essays. That's not an exaggeration; there are between three and four hundred, ranging from very brief notations with a link or two to several paragraphs in first draft form. Most of those pieces will never be written.) In my mind, certain observations and explanations, as well as some connections among many of those seemingly disparate elements, are very clear. But to set forth all the reasons for my views and to make those connections clear to a reader ... well, there's that writing again. Damn and damn. So, I'll try. As I say, we'll see.

My deep thanks once again to all of you who have been so kind. I'm very grateful, and genuinely touched. I should add a brief note to any readers who may have sent emails to which they've received no replies. I've intentionally avoided my email for the last month and more, and I plan to continue to do so for the moment. That's a necessary survival tactic for me. Over the last few years, I've received some emails that are very gratifying and meaningful to me, but correspondence of that kind is unfortunately very rare in my experience. I've received many more messages that are cruel in varying degrees, sometimes unintentionally so but quite often obviously and even proudly cruel. (This latter category most often expresses itself thusly: "So why don't you just die already?" That's a paraphrase, but an accurate one. And every now and then, it's not even a paraphrase.)

I try to avoid the cruel emails, but subject lines can be very deceptive. And even those messages that are unintentionally cruel tend to upset me a great deal; in fact, it's the cruelty that doesn't recognize itself as such that is usually the worst. Such emails can have a very bad effect on me. Especially now, it's a risk that I will not take. If I haven't responded to an email you've sent, that's why. It's because I haven't read any of my email for weeks. If I feel somewhat stronger in the next few weeks, I'll take a look at some of it. For the moment, I offer my apologies for any emails you may have sent and which remain unread.

I hope to be back sometime soon.