June 23, 2008

Teevee Is Better Than Life!

God, I love this. I deeply, passionately love it. McCain will inspire "the ingenuity and resolve of the American people by offering a $300 million prize for the development of a battery package that has the size, capacity, cost and power to leapfrog the commercially available plug-in hybrids or electric cars."

This is brilliant. With regard to the most dauntingly complex issues involving our dependence on fossil fuel and the fabric and operation of our entire economy and culture, which are made up of hundreds of thousands of interconnected elements that all affect each other in a dizzying multitude of ways, issues that require experts to study the relevant facts, economic and political theory and history, etc., etc., blah blah and blah for decades, after all of which most of these same experts ponderously announce, "Well, huh. Who the hell knows? This is complicated, man," all our problems will now be solved. All we need to do is make the Murkin peepul think they're playing the greatest teevee game show of all time!

And if you win, you get a really, really big prize!

Indubitably, incredibly, infuckingspired, I'm telling you. Thus do Americans finally achieve the end toward which they have so devotedly worked all these decades. The looking glass is shattered and altogether destroyed, and Murka is fully absorbed into a supracontinental, supraplanetary, nay, galactic teevee. Hallelujah, sisters and brothers!

I have but one criticism. McCain does not go nearly far enough. Here's an example, to give you the idea.

Lots of peepul are sexually frustrated. Aren't you? C'mon, you are. Admit it, we're all friends here. When people are sexually frustrated, they sometimes do bad things. I saw what you did over the weekend. Sometimes, you are not nice. We need an even better prize for the person who comes up with a gizmo that will provide ecstatic sexual experience and release wherever and whenever it is desired, sexual pleasure of a kind no one has ever imagined. Kind of like this, but better. So we'll call the prize The Orgasmatron Award.

And what's the prize? Obviously, it'll be sexual gratification of any kind you want, with whomever/whatever you want, as often as you want, for as long as you want. Wait. Hmm. That's what you just invented, right? It can't be that. So what's the prize? Money? Compared to sexual pleasure on this scale, money seems a pathetically shabby reward. Any better ideas?

Anyway, the point is we can do this with everything! Food, shelter, health care, climate change, war and peace, everything! Just offer the right prize, and the solutions will come pouring in. So we need lots more prizes for lots more inventions. C'mon, peepul! Think! Invent! We're going to save Murka, and the world!

Yes, we can! Oh, that's the other guy. Doesn't matter. He'll probably come up with prizes of his own.

Money! Orgasmatrons! Yes, we can! We can, we can, we can, we can...

Or, possibly, not.