March 13, 2008

I Denounce and Repudiate Myself, and I Should Therefore Be President!

[UPDATE: Since the Silber Model of Denunciation and Repudiation is being widely adopted, I will consider hiring myself out as a campaign consultant. I see the results achieved by many others, and I am confident I can seek the same level. I won't charge more than Mark Penn, which seems only fair.]

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

For a brief moment, I would like the attention of the presidential candidates. Thank you. In the name of comprehensiveness and efficiency, this is the way you do it:

I denounce and repudiate each and every member of my family, regardless of how closely or distantly related they are, now and forevermore.

I denounce and repudiate every friend and acquaintance I have ever had, whether I have known such individuals for decades or for only a few moments, now and forevermore.

I denounce and repudiate everyone I have ever had sex with -- and I especially denounce and repudiate all you rotten (but beautiful) people I wanted to have sex with and who refused. I double denounce and repudiate you!!

I denounce and repudiate everyone whose statements or writing I have noted with approval, with condemnation, or with boredom. I denounce and repudiate everyone I have ever linked to here, regardless of why I linked to them.

I denounce and repudiate every human being who has ever lived, or who will ever live. That's not unfair; most people screw things up in the end. Besides, I'm just being careful. Beyond that, I denounce and repudiate every living creature that has ever existed or may ever exist, in this or any other universe. Except cats.

I denounce and repudiate myself, every action I have ever taken or will ever take, every idea I have ever had or may ever have, and everything I have ever written or will ever write. I am the worst person who has ever lived and who will ever live, and I denounce and repudiate every aspect of my pitiful being and existence, now and forevermore.

I myself think much older, time-tested methods of ritual public humiliation and purification -- say, throwing suspected witches in vats of water -- were faster and more intellectually coherent. Also probably more accurate. But, hey, I'm a terrible person whom I have denounced and repudiated, so what the hell do I know? By the way, what exactly are we testing for in the current process? To determine the candidate who has the fewest genuinely original ideas (preferably none), and who will upset or offend the least number of people (preferably no one)? In other words, the candidate who will be most certain to ensure the continuation of everything that has brought us to the current moment, this zenith of personal liberty, universal peace and ever-increasing prosperity? Hahahahahaha. Oh, sorry. I denounce and repudiate that!

Face it: no presidential candidate will ever come close to doing what I have accomplished here in just a few minutes. I indisputably deserve your vote. If I'm not on the ballot for some inexplicable reason, write in my name: remember it's S-i-l-B-E-r. Thank you.

You're thinking of voting for me, aren't you? I DENOUNCE AND REPUDIATE YOU!

That clinches it. See you at the inauguration!