September 21, 2007

On the Other Hand...

Huh. I mean, like, wow. Blacks have restaurants that are just like restaurants run by normal people. Even when blacks own the restaurants and most of their customers are black, people just sit there, order food, and have fun. They aren't actually crazy at all! They're just like, well, normal people.

Okay, I realize this is probably very upsetting to some of you, since it challenges your entire worldview and all. So I'm here to tell you that the same thing is absolutely not true about gay restaurants. You may have noticed that restaurants owned by queers and run for a largely queer clientele are very dimly lit, although you could easily have missed this all-important fact since it's practically impossible to see into gay restaurants from outside. Ever wonder why that is?

I know what you're thinking...and you're right! Everyone is having wild, debauched, filthy, nasty, great sex. No sitting there, no ordering food -- but lots of having fun, but probably not the nice, "normal" kind of fun you're likely to think of. Depending on how much you pay, you can have sex with your waiter, or with the waiter and the maitre d', or with the waiter, the maitre d' and the hot guys at the next table, or...well, you get the idea. It's very expensive to go to gay restaurants, especially if you want to have a really good time. That's why all gays are incredibly successful and have so much disposable income. We need the money and lots of it, especially on weekends.

It's also true that all gays who go to gay restaurants -- well, actually all gays, but I don't want to make you feel too bad -- are fantastically gorgeous and have incredibly hot bodies. We're also much, much more well-endowed than straight dudes. Yes, it's all true. We feel sorry for you straights, we really do.

If you doubt any of this, I refer you to perhaps the only unassailable source of wisdom on all matters sociological, sexual, cultural and otherwise. I obviously mean Jonah Goldberg, who wrote about all this a few years ago. Most of the column is about conservatism, Andrew Sullivan and other super-boring stuff, so forget that. For our purposes here, you only need to know that, as far as Goldberg is concerned, the question for (straight) society is: "[W]hat is to be done about gays?" His obvious concern makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. No, definitely not that way.

Here's the great part, which cleared up a whole lot of things for me:
Men are horny goats by design — which is the short answer to why homosexual men are more promiscuous than lesbians or heterosexual men or women: There are fewer speed bumps and toll booths on the road to Getting It On. If society refuses to steer young gay men onto the roads with those speed bumps and toll booths, it's pretty unfair for us to criticize them for speeding. If I were a gay teen (soon to be an essay topic in every public school, no doubt) and I was told that marriage and monogamy were just as shameful as promiscuity — then why the hell wouldn't I take the Nestea plunge into a pool full of buff dudes at a Fire Island beach house?
See? Everything you thought about faggots is true! Just like I told you about the gay restaurants. We are freaks. No marriage for us.

In his column, Goldberg says that gays aren't going to "go away," and that gays will always be here. That's why (straight) society needs to figure out "what is to be done about" us, doncha see. But I think he's wrong. I think if Goldberg himself decided to turn gay, the whole problem would vanish practically overnight. Jonah Goldberg: The Biggest Speed Bump of All. Think about it. Jonah Goldberg, gay.


You know, Angelina Jolie is really hot. I could go for her. Forget about Brad. Oh. My. God. I never thought I'd say that. It's working already! Thanks, Jonah!

(That paragraph of Goldberg's is quite wonderful in a certain way. I can't recall seeing so many incredibly, viciously wrong ideas compressed into so little space in quite a while. Wait, that's not true -- at least not since the last op-ed I read in the New York Times or Washington Post. Sometime, when I have a free week and have read every book ever written, listened to all the opera recordings ever made (including every recital album and all the lieder ever composed by anybody), and solved all the world-shattering questions that have stumped humanity for untold millennia, I'll try to untangle it all. In the meantime, let's Get It On, baby! That was addressed to female readers only. Seriously. No, seriously.)