November 18, 2006

Not to be Technical About It, but These People Are Crazy

Joshua Muravchik, a resident scholar at the American Enterprise Institute, writes in Foreign Policy about what the neoconservatives should do now, and how they must "sharpen [their] game." Ahem.

If research into advanced dementia isn't your thing (I refer to the kind of dementia where reality is the thing with feathers and poopoohiajagapees, and the best diet is chocolate industrial-sized wrenches FOR EVERY MEAL), here are the highlights, as offered by a Muravchik who is somewhat more, er, candid.

1. They hate us because we're beautiful. Our ideas helped beat the commies, and they'll help beat the jihadis! When you're as successful as we've been, people say mean things about you. And despite all the petty, ankle-biting nasties, our ranks are growing! I have to admit, though: there are days when I wish we weren't so close to perfect.

2. Our ideas are true, true, true! "The essential tenets of neoconservatism—belief that world peace is indivisible, that ideas are powerful, that freedom and democracy are universally valid, and that evil exists and must be confronted—are as valid today as when we first began."

[Editorial note: "World peace is indivisible," huh? After extensive and exhausting research, I think there were those three days in June 1235 (okay, maybe four; the record isn't entirely clear), when everything was hunky-dory all around the planet. Otherwise, "world peace" gets divided a lot, you know what I'm saying?]

3. Hey, so we made a few mistakes, just like our guy in the White House. No biggie. Maybe we didn't "appreciate sufficiently the depth of Arab bitterness over colonial memories" -- like all those hundreds of years when Western powers tromped around the Middle East acting like it was their own personal playground, and trying to "improve" and Christianize everyone. Of course, what we're doing today in destroying entire countries that never threatened us isn't anything like that. This is completely different. Cuz we say so.

And one lesson is entirely, indisputably clear: we need much bigger defense budgets! Yayy, military!

4. I know I said up there in Point 2 that "freedom and democracy are universally valid." But you wanna know something? We've learned that maybe -- I mean, this probably isn't actually true, but you never really know for sure -- "democratizing the Middle East may be more difficult than we imagined." I'm just saying.

5. This is a WAR OF IDEAS! No one fights anti-American SOBs here in America better than we do. So no one can do it better abroad. We are tough mofos! And we neocons need to teach lots and lots of diplomats how to fight the WAR OF IDEAS. That's our specialty, and our gig. Give it to us, you commie bastards. The record shows we're the best.

It does too!


6. Draft Joe Lieberman for Vice President in the 2008 campaign. He can run with McCain or Giuliani on the Republican ticket. Oh, I know Joe says he's still a Democrat, but he's "a refugee" like us. The Democrats don't hate commies and jihadis like we do. And McCain, Giuliani and Joe are all tough, manly men! They like bombing and killing, so we like them. Which brings me to one final point:


Yayyyyyyy!!!!!! Oh. My. God. This is better than drugs, I swear.

UPDATE: Just in case I wasn't completely clear, here's Point 8:

BOMB IRAN! Woohoo! It's better than drugs and sex together!